With nothing much to do on a gloomy, rainy day, I tried to declutter my email folders and chanced upon an old blog post that struck deep.
This isn’t my first attempt at blogging. I started with Multiply.
I spilled out my heart and soul in the post I entitled “finding courage amidst the madness”.
It was dated June 3, 2009.
Two years. That was two years ago. ONLY two years!
Here is the full post from Multiply:
Just random thoughts for today because I need to vent somehow or I might implode. DO NOT READ if you know what’s best for you. i just really need an outlet this moment and for now, this is it.
Heavy emotional turmoil torments me to the very core… one day it’s okay, the next unbearable. Is it possible to be addicted to stress? I believe it might be. It’s not impossible to be addicted to things that are already killing your body (I am a smoker)… so why not those that kill your soul? Empty, hollow and yet at times, so turbulent, and wanting to explode. As with smoking, I always long to have the courage to stop but can’t find the courage to do so. But how I wish I could.
Is it even remotely possible to find my way back to a healthy balance of work and life? I am seriously losing it. I am happy when I enjoy what I do, when I become great at what I set out to do. Miserable when I don’t see how I can enjoy anything that’s just futile for me to grasp. Sure, change and challenge I crave… enthusiasm’s always there at the start. But with a crushed spirit with no foreseeable respite from the madness… I’m heading down a road I’ve seen many around me unwillingly take. And they fall. Hard. Dead souls. This isn’t my fate and I refuse to let it be. I cry out to the universe to give me the strength, wisdom and courage to fight it.
Approaching 40 seemed to be interesting, even exciting. With a state of hopelessness looming before me… it doesn’t look as interesting as it did a while back. Age is just a number, my mother said. I actually believe that. It shouldn’t matter. It never did. But, now I think it does. It’s tough to make big decisions that will affect the next half of my life. So much at stake. So much to lose. What is there to gain? So many consequences. I try to look at what can be gained out of bravery… a lot, maybe. Unquantifiable, probably. But at this point down the road I have chosen… quantifiable is necessary. And there lies the source of this inner conflict. What kind of happiness do I really want now? Tomorrow? Not easy. Used to be easy but now, it surely isn’t.
How to live a lie? I don’t know exactly how but I seem to be doing it well. But for how long… I can’t tell. I hope for a little bit more. So for now, I succumb to this soul-killing addiction. Stress and the madness that comes with it. I wish I survive it and find my way to what’s true and what’s right… whatever that will be, in time.
I was toiling away, letting my career suck the life out of me. Like most people I admired then, I had the drive, the dream, the will and energy to pursue excellence. I worked myself to the bone. I love beautiful things, wanted a beautiful life.
WANT. WANT. WANT. I enjoyed the perks, of course. Traveling, meeting important people, feeling like I was making something out of myself and my empty life.
The truth is, it was a life of deadline after deadline, constant exhaustion, sleep deprivation, self-scrutiny, and sometimes living out of a suitcase for weeks. It was all about me, my needs and wants… on a very superficial level.
My soul was dying. My body was failing. My heart was breaking.
While it was fun at some point, when I look back now, what I remember most were the meltdowns that led me to prioritize my physical and mental health over anything I wanted.
The dark ages ended only nine months ago.
In nine months, I changed everything. My priorities got straightened out.
FAMILY. MARRIAGE. SANITY. FRIENDSHIP.
What I thought was impossible, became a reality. It took courage and faith to overcome it all.
FAITH in myself, in my Hubby, and faith in the supreme being that’s always been there just letting me push myself until I finally let go.
What I cherish most now that I’m past all that is not any tangible thing I bought.
I cherish, above anything, the lessons I’ve learned about myself and the people around me.
I don’t regret having lived that life for years, going in and out of depression.
What’s important is that I learned so much and I am where I am now because I worked hard for it. I earned my happy, peaceful, meaningful life now… every moment of it!
I am not deleting that old blog site. Instead, I will keep it as a reminder of the COURAGE and MADNESS of those years!
Life is just like that. There are hardships but it only gets better.